SUFFERING DEPRESSION 2-09-19
Apr 9, 2019
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=paHFxfYELck

[Music]
hey you guys and welcome to gosh Tuesday
oh wow
today is you know it's a great day it's
a great day it really is but I am coming
on here today a little bit later I
definitely want to stress out the stress
stress out
oh no I'm doing enough of that stress
the fact that right now while I'm in
transition of just trying to figure out
me and figure out things and kind of
adjusting to certain things there is a
real true schedule as to when my vlogs
will go up I am definitely gonna shoot
towards Monday through Friday and then
take Saturdays and Sundays off again it
doesn't mean that I may not put a video
up on the weekend it just kind of
depends and it just gives me the
relaxation if I don't want to get up and
have to do something I don't have to
there's not like an obligation or I
didn't commit to you know those days but
I can't guarantee there might not be a
day during the week that I just don't
put up one but I will definitely always
put something in my community post so
always be paying attention if if you
realize that I haven't put nothing up
yet for a while always look at my
community post and see if I might have
put something in there that hey you guys
you know today I'm just not gonna put a
vlog up and and just understand that
right now I'm really going through a lot
of transitioning mentally I'm going
through some transitioning physically
emotionally I'm really going through a
lot and I haven't been very open with
you guys because I mean I've been open
with you guys but I haven't I haven't
really talked about this subject for as
myself very much but it's something that
I definitely have been struggling with
my doctor just recently changed my meds
so I was on lexapro and I had been on
lexapro for almost two two years or two
and a half years and we noticed that I
wasn't getting as much of what needed to
come out of it
so he decided to go ahead and change me
to wellbutrin which I have been on
wellbutrin before but we took myself off
of it and stuck you know put me on the
lexapro but my doctor wants to go ahead
and put me back on wellbutrin so I'm
kind of like in a transition right now
so I'm taking half of my pill of lexapro
are half of my dose of lexapro and
transitioning for it will be a good six
weeks while I'm transitioning so I think
a little bit of my my stay bility is not
very straight right now because I think
just you know I'm kind of you know like
those chemicals are just off a little
bit and so I'm just trying to cope and
deal with you know everything at hand
and trying to handle it all responsibly
and as adult my you know as adults and
as I can with that I've been you know
I've input to have to make a very
important decision by Monday and this
decision isn't a decision that you know
I quite frankly can't you know it will
affect my entire family and you know I'm
scared if I make the wrong decision
what's it gonna do to me what's it gonna
you know what is it how is it gonna
affect my husband you know and stuff
like that so Amy's been going through a
lot and I haven't talked about it much
because you know sometimes I find myself
you know I am good at pretending that
Amy's okay and Amy's got it all together
and Amy's you know not struggling and
Amy doesn't have the issues that you
know I that I don't have the issues that
I really do have and so excuse me
so with that you know there's a lot of
ifs and buts and what's and everything
in between lately but one thing while I
was off this last weekend I did a little
bit of research on because so with
having my mieze switching off of my
medicines and readjusting things I have
been definitely just really struggling
with my depression I feel like I've kind
of seep deep into my depression this
last week maybe week and a half it's
been pretty tough you know I have my
highs and milos but my lows are pretty
low and my highs are still pretty pretty
low you know I was struggling with even
having the ambition to want to take a
shower you know I didn't want to bathe I
didn't care today was the first time I
have bathed in four days because I you
know and I'm just being honest with you
guys I didn't care to be in the shower I
didn't care to take care of myself you
know I just I didn't want to face the
shower I didn't want to face taking care
of myself I didn't want to have to get
up and do anything I just I didn't have
really I didn't have any any ambition to
do anything I just you know I'm still
struggling with it don't get me wrong
but today I got up and I was like no I
need to take a shower and brush my teeth
get back on track with what I need to do
I need to eat a good healthy breakfast
and take care of me because at the end
of the day I have to take care of myself
you nobody can take care of me people
can be there to help me but at the end
of the day I am the one that has to help
myself sorry I have to
up out of it and I have to get back to
where I need to be you know but it's so
hard because sometimes they don't think
people quite understand what Depression
means and I don't think sometimes people
understand what suffering it is to have
depression and how sometimes it takes
all of your ability out of you to do
anything but turn in circles like a dog
chasing its tail because you just
mentally just can't you can't handle the
things that lay ahead of you but during
the weekend I when I printed this off
it's ways to practice self-care I'm just
gonna quickly go over this list really
quick because I really think this is
something that would help everybody it
don't even think that it would just be
something that helps me but says
meditate in a quiet place have a mini
declutter session read an enriching book
take a long warm bath burn your favorite
candle go for a long walk get a massage
have a dance party write down 10 things
you're grateful for journal to release
your thoughts indulge in your favorite
treat that one I I can't agree with at
all because to me that is really and
that was a trigger for me because you
know as me being somebody that uses food
for my coping that I think that that
would be giving me the license or the
permission per se that it's okay to use
your food to indulge you know because
indulge in your favorite meal because
you know your self carrying you're
giving yourself yourself love I don't
know that's just me do something that
makes you laugh get up early make
yourself breakfast and enjoy your
morning watch the sunrise create a
vision board plan a weekend getaway and
stay at a nice air B&B go on a retreat
and unplug slow down and be present take
a nap
stretch have a binge watch your favorite
Netflix show have a lunch date with a
friend do something creative go on a
road trip have a game pizza night with
friends go to a museum listen to your
favorite podcast create a personal blog
write a list of things you love about
yourself I love that one try a new
healthy recipe do a brain dump not sure
what that supposed to mean have a Bob
Ross paint party throw yourself a little
party have an intense workout session
have a staycation plan a road trip with
friends do something for the first time
like trying out a new restaurant unplug
for a while
plan a spa day create loving positive
affirmations
for yourself and repeat them daily stop
comparing yourself to others give
yourself a manicure buy yourself some
flowers go on a hike get into the nature
surround yourself with people who
inspire you cook your favorite meal stay
well rested watch your favorite movie
call someone you love I love that list
and that list is going to be hung up on
my wall and I'm definitely going to
start trying to make some of those
things put into my daily living because
I think that all of those are so key to
having a wonderful self-care moment all
right so now this next thing is a letter
and I want to read this letter to you
and I ask that you listen to it with
your whole heart let it speak to you as
though it's coming from somebody that
struggles with depression and you and
there are people out there that don't
understand how to describe or share what
it is that you're trying to get across
says dear YouTube family mm-hmm you are
getting this letter because your
important person in my life
I want you to understand more about what
I am going through I know I can be
difficult and I am sorry for that I know
I probably don't need to be sorry but I
am in fact I feel guilty for feeling
sorry in the first place
ridiculous I know that's how my brain
works because I have depression and yes
my mind is an exhausting place I want to
give you this letter to help you
understand a little more about what I am
going through ask for some grace ask for
some grace as I work this crap out and
to suggest a few ways you can best
support me if you are willing first
thing I want you to know is that I am
trying or rather I am trying to try you
see 1 & 1 don't always add up to 2 with
depression there are legitimate
differences between me and someone that
doesn't live with depression which makes
us a really difficult uphill battle
I am literally fighting against my mind
which tries to tell me none of this is
worth it and that I shouldn't even try
when people say things like just think
positive positively or it's all in your
head it does not help at all
I know that it is in my head but
unfortunately it is not as easy as
flipping a switch and suddenly feeling
better I know I probably have a thousand
reasons to be happy and sometimes I feel
like the worst person ever for being so
down all the time despite them fighting
off depression is not a simple task if
it was I would have done it already
trust me when I say I am so tired of
feeling like crap all the time I am
actively trying to take steps to better
myself and still some of my life back
from this depressive monster that has
crept in like a black cloud raining all
over all of my thoughts and feelings the
process will involve challenging my
negative thoughts patterns pushing
myself to re engaging with things I used
to enjoy working to forgive myself for
letting things get so out of hand in
finding people I trust to be on my team
that's why you are reading this I want
you to be on my team I know I have to be
I know I have not
and the easiest person to be around
recently maybe my actions or
interactions have even hurt you in some
way
the thing is I need support to dig
myself out of these patterns I don't
need a yes or no answer from you right
now but I want to share a few things
that do and do not help me in case you
are ever willing to lend to him for now
this has to be on my terms I am feeling
more broken and fragile than I would
like to admit down the loan I might need
a bit of a push but for now tough love
is not what I need that means that
isolated advice that worked for you or
someone else is probably not helpful
unfortunately there is no
one-size-fits-all approach to depression
it's a very individualized sort of beast
also being told that I am going through
also being told what I am going through
is not that bad is very hurtful for me I
know it might not be logical for me to
feel this way given my life
circumstances I know it could be worse
and that there are many others in the
world who have it worse that's just how
depression works and elect only knowing
something and filling it are two
different experiences I am working to
make them more sync though my instincts
tell me otherwise it's probably not the
best idea for me to be alone all of the
time right now so please have a little
grace and forgiveness with forgiveness
with me if I get irritated or act in
off-putting way I do want you to be here
and I really appreciate you continuing
to try I feel like a lot of people have
given up on me I don't want you to be
one of them
probably the most helpful thing you can
do for me is to let me know that you are
here I forget sometimes so please don't
assume I already know tell me you are
here if I need you I won't always know
the best ways you can help me and you
don't have to either I most mostly just
need to know I am NOT on this journey
alone like I said a big part of this
process of recovery is finding ways to
fight back against these unhealthy
full patterns of thinking I have fallen
into sometimes it can be really helpful
to have someone I can rely on as a
logical by map borrow meter basically I
can tell you what my thought train of
thought is regarding a situation and you
can tell me whether you think it makes
sense or not you can share how you as a
non depressed person my enter in might
interpret it that helps me to practice
reeling in the over generalizing
personalizing and overall amplification
of negative thoughts my thoughts usually
start out rooted in reality but they get
away but they get way blown out of
proportion and you could definitely help
me out by non-judgmental letting me know
how far off my thinking has gone you
don't have to be right to help me out
with this there are really no right or
wrong answers but I'll be much better
off if I have a few people that can get
input from when I am doubting my initial
interpretation of things I am trying to
do more this might mean that I am trying
to get back to doing things I used to
enjoy because everything feels very
blind right now it also might mean I am
trying to get off of my butt and be more
physically active it is so incredibly
hard to find the motivation inside
myself to do these things one change
that can give me the motivation to
follow through with plan is when I have
a buddy to do them along with me maybe
you could be that person I don't mean
you need to be to do everything with me
but if there is something you enjoy
I might benefit from maybe consider
inviting me along speaking or of
inviting me along I won't always say yes
even if is something as simple as going
to dinner or the movie sometimes it
feels like the weight of my symptoms are
literally crushing me and I will pass on
almost any invitation please keep
inviting me you don't need to waste all
of your time trying to convince me just
don't give up on me keep offering
finally I would be so grateful if you
would help other people understand what
I am going through hopefully at this
point you'll you get it a little more
depression is something we are told to
keep a secret and it is really hard for
me to share my feelings sometimes you
are reading this letter because I trust
you and I want you to be on my team it
is exhausting for me to reach out to
each person and ask for help so if you
could either if you could help other
friends and family understand they ask
when they ask what is wrong with me I
would really appreciate it if you are
reading this far that means I was right
about you
you are amazing a perfect addition to my
depression fighting team like I said
before I really am trying this is a
tough battle and I don't know how long
it will take but having Ali's Alice like
you will certainly make the process that
much easier I am NOT asking for a blank
slate I know that I can sometimes say or
do things that make me not so pleasant
to be around
that's the nature of the beast you are
allowed to be upset angry hurt or even
annoyed at those things I just ask that
you try to understand these things as an
expression of my depression symptoms
they may be a part of me but they are
not the whole me I hope this letter
helps you to understand a little more
about the other part of me that is dying
for a chance to get out into the world
sincerely everybody that suffers
depression I read this letter to you
guys because I think that it really
really spoke to my heart as I read it
because sometimes with someone like me
that suffers depression I think that
people look at me and wonder what is
wrong with me why can I just be happy
with what I have I was blessed with
three beautiful children I was blessed
with an amazing husband I have a
beautiful home you know I've
a vehicle I've got food on the table for
my family my bills are paid I am Alive
those are all things that I should be
thankful and happy for and it's not that
I am NOT I am so thankful that I have
these things but it doesn't take light
away that I'm still suffering inside and
I'm still needing to have sincere
sincere compassion from everybody that
would understand and that goes for
anybody that suffers depression it's not
easy it's not an easy thing depression
is not a word that is just easily needs
to be thrown around it's a serious word
and right now that is where I'm at I am
suffering with my depression and I just
am so happy to see so many people here
that are still supporting me and
rallying me and pushing me to just
continue to better myself and get myself
into a better position that I need to be
in and I am so thankful that you all are
understanding when I say there might be
a day that I don't want to post a video
it's not because I'm being lazy or
because you know I'm taking advantage of
my channel it's not but some days it
takes every ounce of me to even want to
open my eyes because I just don't want
to face the day and that's not who I am
but that's the part that is the bad side
that I want to fix and I usually am very
good about my depression I usually have
it managed but because I am switching
things out you know there's that part of
me that right now I'm off balance and
I'm trying to find my balance
you know I Monday I have talked about
this for a second but Monday I have my
appointment with my OB for my
endometriosis and that's the other thing
is I have been struck
really bad the last two days with my
outbreak of endometriosis and so in fact
I am hurting so bad I'm in so much pain
my back is killing me my insides are
just all torn up and we have to make a
decision on Monday am I going to go
forth with you know getting the Mirena
and that way I'm not suffering anymore
or you know do I want to continue to
lose my weight so we can have one more
baby you know and so me and Ollie sat
down and we talked about it and he's
like honey you know I you know I will
support you no matter what you know I
don't want to see you hurting I don't
want to see you in pain you know I want
to see you doing what you need to do to
you know take care of you you know but I
in my heart I would love to maybe have
one more but at the same time you know
if I go ahead and I decide to do the
birth control then is it a situation
where I'm saying I'm not gonna have any
more children so it's just a decision I
really and I have to make that decision
my husband says I will back you up and
support you but you have to make this
decision because it's you this is your
body you know what you're feeling I
don't know what you're feeling I can't
tell you you know I I'm not in your
shoes I don't feel the pain in the
suffering and I don't want to see you
suffering because you're just trying to
make me happy I will be happy with
whatever decision you make as long as
you're making it to be fair to yourself
so I have a lot of pressure on my
shoulders because it's like you know
when I told him today well yeah but I
don't want to make the decision to get
the Mirena and then you know three or
four years down the road you know you
you know bring it up and say well it's
your fault that we don't have any more
babies and he's like oh my God he's like
Amy why would you even think I would
even say that like that would never even
that would never come out of my mouth so
why would you think for two seconds I
see that so you know he's just like
absolutely not I would never say that
and I'm just like he's like you know me
better than that and I'm like I know but
it's just that you know I just don't
want to feel like oh my god I just made
the worst decision because I'm you know
letting my husband down because he wants
the baby and you know and I'm letting
myself down because I know I want a baby
and you know and so it's just like so
much like so much in my brain I just you
know but at the end of the day the end
of the day I know that whatever decision
that I make will be the best decision
for us as a family but I want to make
sure that I'm making the right decision
and the last two days I have been
suffering majorly I have been
round-the-clock on IV program this
disease
i I oh my god it is so painful I
literally feel like my insides are just
like I feel like I'm being snapped on my
lower area of like my women area I just
feel like I'm being split in half is
what it feels like and it's just so
painful it's so painful so it's like you
know that decision of you know it's you
know when you're in labor and you're in
the worst pain because you've got
contractions and you're supposed to make
a decision do you want your - well I'm
just saying you know I never want or
when you're at your biggest part of your
pregnancy and the most uncomfortable
you're automatically I don't want to
know more on what my tubes tied Yetta
Yetta Yetta and then after you have the
baby you're like oh my gosh I want one
more but if you go and get your tubes
tied you're done and that's kind of
where I'm at it's like you know and I
know that the Mirena could be taken out
but I don't want that to be being put in
taken out put in take it out I don't
want that I want it to be you know here
we are thus it we're done you know we've
got three beautiful babies and you know
we're gonna call it our family and
that's the it or you know do I proceed
and working to get my weight off so I'm
at a healthy healthier weight to start
trying it's just I don't know I've got
so much going on in my brain I I don't
know I'm just torn from all aspects but
I know I'll make the right decision when
the time comes but yeah so I have my our
book here but I think you know today's
vlog is long enough so I think we'll
start back up reading our vlog in our
next vlog I just you know I'm really
trying to work on keeping the videos at
a certain you know I don't want to make
it to where my videos are 40 to 50
minutes long because I easily could do
that because I'm a talker but if I don't
want to do that so I'm trying to keep my
cape my guard but anyways I am going to
close now I have to get this edited and
get it ready for you guys and so I hope
you guys again are having a blessed
Tuesday and I am gonna go and start
getting some dinner done and I was gonna
start doing some low-impact exercising
but I think I'm gonna wait until this in
Flair me I don't know what it's called
flaring up endometriosis flare-up I
think it's called
until it kind of calms down a little bit
because it's very painful very very
painful and I just don't know how people
handled it or handle it without having
any manageable pain relief because it's
uh yeah anyways with that I love you
guys i hope you guys again are having a
blessed day and I will see you guys soon
bye
